Señoras.
Señores.
And in honor of our distinguished guests,
our president will soon make his speech
in the plaza mayor.
But before we adjourn to the balcony,
I would like to propose a double toast.
To Don Benito Juarez,
Presidente de la República Mexicana.
And to the ambassador
of our dear friends from the North,
Señor Griswold.
Hear, hear. Hear.
To El Presidente Juarez.
Indeed.
Artie, throw me the bottle.
Ah, the poor guy never learned how to swim.
Ah, the padre got away too.
The only thing left is to call the police.
Well, wait a minute. I'm not too sure.
Look at his face.
He's an American.
Not only that.
Artie, that's Calico Jack.
Sure isn't a very tidy guy either,
is he?
Why would an American
want to assassinate the president of Mexico?
All the shots missed President Juarez.
But his minister of the interior wasn't so lucky.
He's dead.
Jim, did you get a good look at the sniper?
Was he an American too?
I don't know.
He could have been an American.
All I know is I saw a man in a priest costume.
Hmm...then for the moment,
we must assume that he was an American.
And that, gentlemen, means that we have a critical problem.
You see, my mission here has been a total failure.
Juarez refused even to appoint a commission
to study the border problem.
Two hours later, he's almost assassinated.
Well, there's not necessarily any connection
between the two, sir.
We know that.
Now how do we convince the Mexican government?
By finding the man who hired the gunman.
Well, there's one man that knows that.
Yeah, the sniper.
Hey, we better get to him before the police do.
Yeah, but first we better hide Calico Jack's body
from the police.
I could see to that.
Good, I'll hunt for the sniper.
No, no. For you to engage
in any activity such as that on Mexican soil
violates all the diplomatic rules in the book.
No, I can't allow a mission like that.
Martial law has been declared.
No one may enter or leave this town.
That could be inconvenient.
No, please, señores.
My house is your house.
You're very gracious, Don Thomas.
But Mr. West has his private car
on the site. Oh, that's out of the question.
Curfew has been declared.
Anyone found on the streets after dark
will be arrested or shot.
Diplomatic immunity?
No, no, no. That is impossible.
In that case, your generous hospitality
is deeply appreciated.
Oh, I'm quite relieved. Please excuse me.
I have other things to attend to.
That settles it, boys.
Those soldiers out there are trigger-happy right now.
When it gets dark, they'll be shooting at anything that moves.
I refuse to allow you to risk your lives
by leaving this house.
That sound like a direct order to you?
What?
Funny, I can't remember what he said.
I can't remember either, Artie. Good.
The powder on Calico's trousers, what was it?
Potter's clay.
That could be the beginning.
who's there?
Perrico. Quickly!
What are you doing here?
You know you might have been followed?
Followed...by who?
Not even dogs and cats are out tonight.
Only soldiers.
Well, than all the more reason to stay clear.
But they're only in the next street, amigo.
And they're searching from house to house.
You must leave.
Leave?
You know there's no place I can go in this town.
That's not my concern, señor.
If they find you here, they'll shoot me too.
What do you want? More money?
No, I just want to live
so I can spend what I have.
Get out, quickly!
You double-crosser!
No names!
You go, before I remember
you tried to assassinate the presidente.
All right...
...amigo.
But if I get of out this alive...
..I'm gonna be back for you.
Buenas noches, padre.
What are you talkin' about?
I ain't no padre.
You were for a few moments this aft-
Either me or the soldiers,
and all you get from them is a bullet.
Yeah, and what do I get from you?
First, some questions.
And?
That depends on the answers.
All right.
There were two of them. Find the other one.
Quién es?
Who is there?
Buenas noches, señorita.
Where is he? He got away.
Don't be a fool, there's no place to go!
How could he get away?
Did you look in there?
No, sir. It's locked.
Well, smash it. You!
All right, let's go.
Gracias, señorita.
You've been a good neighbor. But...I must leave.
Señor...
Hm. For nada.
I guess that means it's over.
Is he dead?
No, sir, he has a bullet in his left leg,
but he'll live.
He may live to regret he didn't die.
Form a detachment.
Escort the assassin to the prison at Avalos.
Yes, sir.
And lieutenant? Sir.
If for any reason-
any reason at all
-he is not delivered to Avalos,
you will be.
March.
Now, look here, Jim.
Didn't I tell you and Artie not to leave that house?
Well, I- I just don't remember, sir.
Did you? No, no,
of course you don't remember.
Did you talk to him? Did he say anything?
We didn't get that far, sir.
I know it's a terrible thing to ask,
but, uh, is there a chance that the bullet...killed him?
No, sir. He was wounded in the leg.
I saw him carried off on a stretcher.
There was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
Time is running out.
We've got to talk to him.
I'm afraid that that would be most difficult, señores.
The only talking Halverson will do
is to Colonel Arsenic.
For me? Thank you. Halverson? Yeah.
Help yourself. Yeah.
You know the local files at that constabulary
aren't half bad?
The man we're looking for is Frank Halverson.
Hard-cased gunman out of Abilene.
And this, uh, Colonel Arsenic?
Arsenio Barbossa.
The...gentleman who runs all of the local proceedings
around here.
From what I hear down at the plaza,
nobody refuses to talk to him.
At least not for long.
Where did they take Halverson?
Maximum-security prison at Avalos.
Completely incomunicado.
Not even a lawyer can see him.
I'll make an official protest to president Juarez.
When you see Juarez, ask for a prison pass.
For you?
No, no.
For Halverson's father.
A fine, old Texas gentleman who may not have long
to live.
Well, are you-
Are you sure Halverson has a father?
Well, he's gonna have one now.
Don't you worry none about that, son.
Mr. Halverson.
My apologies, sir.
That's perfectly all right, sonny.
Did the prisoner confess, sir?
Oh, yes. He was very cooperative.
He freely admitted giving shelter and sanctuary
to the American assassin.
We have all the evidence we need for his execution.
Bring down Halverson.
Come on!
Señor Halverson.
You and I are going to have
a nice, long heart-to-heart talk.
Y- But- I- No, señor.
First, I will talk,
then you will talk.
But...let us examine the possibility
to begin with...
...that when it comes to your turn,
you will not be in the mood for conversation.
That happens from time to time, of course.
But in your case, señor,
that would be most unfortunate.
Uh, let us say that despite all our urgings...
...you still prefer
not to engage in friendly dialogue.
Then, señor...
...against all my humane instincts,
I will be forced to-
Colonel.
A thousand pardons.
Señor West is waiting outside to see you
with an older man, also a gringo.
Señor West.
I find that curious.
Bring him down here, lieutenant.
Guard.
Bring this man back to his cell.
You'll forgive me
if I keep you waiting a little longer, no?
Oh, there you are.
Now, lookie here, captain. I want to tell you something.
I want- Welcome, Mr. West.
I am Colonel Arsenio Barbossa.
I've heard about you, colonel.
I'm flattered.
May I return the compliment.
I have a rather large dossier on you.
But it's by no means thorough.
If I can cut through all this here lollygagging...
Uh, this is Leroy Halverson, colonel.
He's from Texas.
Halverson...
Any relation to-
His daddy, by dingy-bang thunder!
I'm here to take my son home!
Pity. Quite impossible.
Im- Impossi- What do you mean, impossible?!
I'm here, ain't I?!
Señor Halverson,
somewhere, somehow, you have forgotten something.
You are no longer in Texas.
No one may visit the prisoner without a direct order
from the president of Mexico.
As it happens, colonel,
he has that direct order.
It seems to be quite proper.
You may spend 15 minutes
with your son.
Fifteen- Well, thank you very much, captain.
You're a very generous man.
Gotta come visit me in Texas sometime.
Give you a whole hour to get out of there.
Señor.
...gonna take that boy and get him out of here,
and there's gonna be nothin' gonna-
Gonna...hold me back.
I'll tell you this...
Ah.
Señor West, it appears my dossier
on the assassin Halverson is not thorough, either.
It states here that his father
was trapped in a mine cave-in
in Las Cruces, New Mexico
on May 3, 1857...
...and is presumed dead.
Presumed dead.
Actually, he was only missing.
And they haven't seen each other
in all these years.
Should be a very touching reunion.
Now then, what can I do to amuse you for 15 minutes?
Oh, I'm sure, colonel,
that you have more important things to do.
Mm.
More pressing, perhaps.
Would you care to read your own dossier?
No, thank you, colonel. I've lived it.
Hm.
I haven't.
Would you step over here, please?
That's the man who provided refuge
for Señor Halverson's fun-loving son.
But in the end, he saw the error of his ways,
and he confessed.
They all do, don't they, colonel?
Son!
What have they done to you?
No, son, you're not seeing a ghost.
It's your old pa.
Pa?
That's right, son.
Uh, just let me...
...rest my old bones, here.
Set them down on-
yeah
-this here stool, a minute.
Then we can get down to brass tacks, Halverson.
All right, old man...
...who in the blue blazes are you?
I came to make a deal with you,
and I'm not an old man.
Deal?
Maybe you're new here.
Maybe you never heard of Colonel Barbossa.
I heard of him.
Well, you should have seen what he did to Perrico.
Ready...
...aim...
...fire.
He's better off dead.
Now, you manna know who hired me, right?
That's right.
All right. I'll tell you...
...In Texas.
Or I'll tell that colonel in that torture chamber.
Whichever comes first.
Now, look, Halverson,
we'll get you the best lawyers in Mexico.
We'll see to it- I don't want a lawyer.
Lawyer ain't gonna do me no good in here. I want out!
Now look, I don't care how you do it,
but you get me out of here
before that butcher goes to work on me!
Keep your voice down.
'Cause I'm gonna talk to somebody.
And when I start naming names, boy,
things are gonna pop all over this place.
Who's gonna believe you without proof?
Oh, I got that, too.
I got a letter from the big man.
Somebody way up there.
Who?
I'll tell you in Texas.
What kind of a letter?
I'll tell you that too...
...in Texas.
It's time.
Eh...all right.
Don't you worry none, son.
Your old pa will look after things.
Just...don't worry.
We'll get you outta here.
Take that pill.
It will put you to sleep for eight hours.
Even Barbossa can't torture a sleeping man.
Señor.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Uh, you don't worry a bit, son.
I'll be back to get you out of here
if I have to come up with a whole...
...passel of Texas rangers,
by dingy-bang thunder.
Don't worry none.
Miserable, no good...
Well, there you have it, Jim.
We gotta get Halverson out of that pokey, but fast.
Artie, if we could get the letter
that Halverson told you about,
that would clean up the whole deal.
Yeah. He sure didn't have it on him.
Where do we start looking?
Let's try the most obvious place.
You ever get the feeling that, uh,
people were looking at you kind of funny?
Ah, señorita.
Fate keeps throwing us together.
But don't your, uh, friends know it's not polite to point?
Señor,
let me assure you of three things.
The gun that is being pointed at you...
...is loaded.
My- My men will not hesitate to shoot you
if you give them cause.
And, uh- And three:
I find myself less and less amused
at your insolence.
Now, you stand there.
It's the old one I want to speak with.
Old? Well, now, you look here, pumpkins.
You...give me some respect,
if you please. Oh,
quiet, papasito.
Reply only to my questions.
Over there.
Well, I ain't heard nary a one yet...so far.
Enough.
Now...I want to know
what your son said to you.
Oh, that.
Well, he was real anxious to know
how the new herd was doing with its grazing
over on the west 40.
You know, we got us as fine a herd of cattle
as you've ever seen.
Watch out with that toad sticker, little lady.
Old man, you are very close to death.
We both know why you are here.
Now, tell me where your son hid that letter!
All right, then. Listen to this.
No cause for you to be...
...getting that upset about it, is there?
No, because when-
When you get upset, we get upset,
and there's...no telling
who might wind up getting upset.
Well...
...in the face of vastly superior numbers,
I would say the enemy withdrew.
Would you, uh, call this a smashing victory for us?
Mm-hm. Yeah.
Artie, did you forget why we came here?
Oh, yeah, the letter.
Well...
...can't have everything.
Oh, with all this debris...
...if the letter ever was here,
I don't know how we'd ever find it.
El Presidente Benito Juarez.
Eh, must have got shifted in the fracas.
No, it didn't, Artie. It's nailed down.
Nailed crooked.
Somebody must have done that in an awful hurry.
Eureka.
The letter to Halverson.
"...and for security reasons, I have changed the lock.
"That's why I enclosed the new key.
"The meeting will still be this Thursday, midnight,
"at which time we will finalize plans
to eliminate Juarez."
That's all?
You noticed, I'm sure, sir, that there's no signature.
But the key the letter mentions...
It wasn't enclosed.
No signature on the letter.
No key.
And who is this preposterous female and her gunmen?
What's she got to do with this case?
Well, aside from the fact
that she wears tangerine lipstick-
And wields a knife with style.
Uh, we don't know a thing about her, sir.
The letter is worthless.
We must get Halverson's testimony.
Well, you know his terms, sir.
He'll open up only after we get him out
of Colonel Arsenic's pokey
and back onto American soil.
And that is obviously impossible.
I wouldn't say so, sir.
Thanks for the ride, padre.
Vaya con dios, gringo.
I have come for the mortal remains
of Perrico Mendoza.
Uh, which way is the, um... fiesta?
You, guard. What are you doing?
I asked you a question.
What are you doing down here?
Turn around when your commanding officer
speaks to you.
Turn around!
Señor West.
You've broken into Avalos to rescue a compatriot.
Are the visiting hours over, colonel?
Incredible.
You've performed a feat of unparalleled brilliance.
It's not possible, and yet there you are.
It will be an honor to grant your last request
before your execution.
But I haven't confessed.
Well, that will come later.
In any event,
After a few sessions in my private confessional...
...you will beg to confess.
March.
I could easily have killed you,
but why should I be kind?
First, the torture chamber.
Oh, boy, am I glad you weren't asleep.
Uh, Jim, give me a hand with this,
will you? It's heavy.
It will be a lot heavier going out.
We'll never get out of this alive.
I don't know why I'm going through with it.
Because it beats being executed
by a country mile.
Look, I don't even think I can climb that wall
with this leg.
Just get in the box. I'll climb the wall.
What?
Get in the box.
Oh, no.
Uh-uh, I'm not gonna get in that thing.
That- That- That cell was small enough.
It's either the box or the colonel's confessional.
Look, I'll suffocate in there.
You want to know who hired me, you get me out some other way.
What do you think, Artie?
Very well, then.
Guard! Guard!
All right. Now, listen.
I'll unload this thing at that...dry wash.
Then I'll lay a false trail with the horse and wagon.
You, uh, better get down to him as soon as you can
and let him out.
Artie? Yeah?
How long do you think he can really live in this box?
I'd say about half an hour, if he doesn't panic.
Well, care to be a pallbearer?
Artie, what are you doing in there?
Get up.
That...silly...
...little hot tomato
and her powerful peons, that's how.
Not again.
Yeah, again.
You know, I hate to say it,
but I'm working up a violent dislike
for that tomato.
Did Halverson leave with her?
Oh, he had no choice.
I'm sure he never saw her before.
Well, we'll never see him again.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't even know who hired him.
Oh, come on, Artie.
No.
He was looking right down my gun barrel
when he swore that the man who hired him
sat in the shadows and never once showed his face.
Incidentally, the fee for killing Juarez?
$10,000.
Not in advance. No.
Halverson was to go to the place where he was hired.
Where is that?
We never got around to it.
Did you find the key? No,
but I do know where it is.
We did get around to that
before that...pimento had me bushwhacked.
Come on. He'll tell her the same story.
Let's get that key.
Right.
This is what you're looking for.
Yes, that's it.
May I have it, please?
I'm prepared to bargain.
What are you offering?
The whereabouts of your friend,
Mr. Artemus Gordon.
I'm right over here, sugar.
And pointing a gun at you.
I guess it's what you call a Yankee standoff.
Yes. It does, doesn't it?
Why don't you start the conversation?
I am Colonel Lupita Gonzalez, of le guarde federal.
The Mexican secret service.
Now, I must insist you turn that key over to me.
Oh, why don't we bargain?
What do you want?
The name of the man who plotted the assassination.
Halverson did not know.
The meeting took place
in the house of a third party.
The conspirator remained always in the shadow.
He never revealed his identity to Halverson.
That's what Halverson says.
I made certain he told the truth.
I'm sure you did. Where is he now?
My men have him.
Uh, Halverson told you what lock this key opens,
didn't he?
Yes.
Then why don't you tell me?
No.
I'll show you.
You got a bargain.
Go on in, Jim.
The colonel and I will cover for you.
Señor, we give you five minutes.
You know, Mr. West, that secret staircase
dates back to the conquistadores.
I had no idea the house was that old.
Oh, yes.
It was built over 250 years ago.
I have tried to keep it in its original form.
I imagine an escape route would come in handy
in your line of work.
My line?
Assassinations.
You did hire Halverson to kill Juarez, didn't you?
Oh, Mr. West.
I am not that ambitious.
I am not active enough for such a role.
My only contribution to the conspiracy
was to bring certain people together.
Halverson, for one.
Then who was the man in the shadow?
I would rather not divulge that.
If he wants to reveal his, uh, identity...
...he is welcome to do so.
I'd like to meet your friend.
You've met him already.
More than once.
The question is now,
what will come out of this meeting?
Well, one of us isn't gonna leave here alive,
is that right?
It is right...
...Señor West.
Colonel Arsenic.
Oh, I'm sorry, colonel.
I just thought you'd like to know the name
your friends and admirers call you by.
Again I should have shot you in the back.
But I couldn't resist the urge
to watch the look of astonishment on your face.
And now you disappoint me.
You'll get over that.
Your nerves really are very good.
It must be that.
I can't believe you knew it was I.
Where is Halverson?
I couldn't tell you, colonel. He escaped from me too.
Oh, you'll tell me.
Before I'm through with you,
you'll tell me things I don't even want to know.
I'll tell you one thing for sure.
Mexican security police have surrounded this place.
Front door, back door
and, uh, secret door.
That isn't so, colonel. That isn't!
Impossible. No one suspects me.
Everyone knows you wanna be president.
But you only get one shot, colonel,
and you've had that.
Lieutenant.
These are my security men. Where are yours?
Right here, Colonel Arsenic.
We do our own housecleaning, Mr. West.
There.
Now, how about a toast?
That's a good idea, Artie.
Colonel...
...to the memory of when we first met,
when I kissed you.
As I recall,
I followed that up by slapping you.
True.
But the first memory overwhelms the second.
Yeah, what about me? I have no memories at all.
Well, I feel much better.
How about some dinner, eh?
I hope you don't mind us being just a threesome.
Of course not,
since my bodyguard will make it a foursome.
Your bodyguard is here?
Waiting outside.
Oh, Lieutenant Ramirez attends me everywhere I go.
Well, uh, surely, you can make an exception
on a festive occasion like this, can't you?
My dear Artemus...
...I wouldn't dream of it.
Huh.
Teniente.
Sí, mi coronel?
Lieutenant Ramirez, Señor James West.
Lieutenant.
And Señor Artemus Gordon.
Señores.
Encantado.
After all, Artie, there's nothing wrong with
taking a lonely soldier to dinner.